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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Subject: Man Questionnaire

Ask yourself:Am I Gay?1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like adog, but gay-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat... ' Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to beframed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any suchnonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in aparking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's worldis his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight manwill never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or fourdifferent types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might aswell be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick outchartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you canname ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dyingto tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold hisbeer, or scratch his balls.
8 . If you do not send this off to all the males on your email listbecause you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.